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we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
