my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
