There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
