I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
