Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
