i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
