I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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