I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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