It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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