I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
