I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
