Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
