I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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