if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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