so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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