I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
