repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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