i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
