is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
