This is not my ceiling
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
