He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
