ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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