I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
