Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
