I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
