OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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