What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
