I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize