i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
