He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
