You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Randomize
