There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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