Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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