I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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