I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
