wakey wakey hands off snakey
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
