he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
