when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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