She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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