The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
