i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
