I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
