well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
