You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
