thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize