I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
