1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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