i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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