I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
