never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
