Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
