I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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