Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
