yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
