I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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