how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
