you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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